The focus of this stage is information-gathering. But it's not the kind of information you're expecting:

• What happened isn't important
• History, and truth are irrelevant
• The focus needs to be on moving forward
• The information to be gathered is the issue between us, and that's subjective and forward-looking

Common, Incorrect Tactics

• Advise
• Judge
• Analyze

These don't fix future problems, only the ongoing problem. Don't focus on weaknesses or failures, and don't patronize anybody, because that just creates failure.

Stronger Approaches

The following get people to say more -- which is your goal, because gathering information is the priority in the Exchange stage:

• Validate
• Paraphrase
• Lead
• Ask open-ended questions
• Reflect the speaker's emotion

If you get it wrong, and get an undesirable, non-progressive, or one-word answer, don't be invested in your action. It's about them, not about you. Try another one of these tactics to get them talking. Always follow the rule of halves

You can even reflect the speaker's emotion back at them, getting angry when they're angry, tense when they're tense, in order to show them you "get it". But don't get caught up in it -- reflect, then take it down a notch. The goal is to get them to follow your emotional cue, and deflate emotion.

Dislodge From Positions

A position is "what we do -- or else!" People have needs, interests and positions; positions are not equal to needs. Needs are non-negotiable, and must be validated. Positions are one, but not the only way, to fulfill those needs; positions are negotiable.

You must draw out information to define needs. In doing this, you'll help your opponent see the disjunction between their needs and their position, and they will move away from their position. Draw out information so that the other side understands what specific scenarios are, and so compromise can be found around these.

If you're stuck when talking about key points, move obliquely. Dig into peripheral information, discuss parts of the situation that are not defined by the positions.

If criticized, remember that your goal is to resolve the situation, not to defend your ego. Ask for more information about the specific topic of the criticism.

If, in all this, you discover what it's really about, don't be shy, bring it up!